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I want to socialize but I can't seem to.


I didn't even really give it much thought for the last two or three months. My psychiatrist brought up spending time in social settings. Now it's bugging me because I'm thinking about it again.

It's not exactly a newsflash that I'm not terribly fond of socializing. Well... yes and no.  As I often like to say, "I hate people but I love persons."  I have a difficult time in large social settings with lots of people. Too much stimulation. It gets me tired very quickly. On the other hand, I enjoy conversing one-on-one with another person. Listening to someone's thoughts and feelings offers something more substantive. There's closeness being built in those moments. I like being able to give someone my full attention and receive that in return.

Right now I just feel... burnt out. There may be a few reasons for that. I had to ration my meds for the last couple of days and my birthday is coming up, which inevitably makes me restless about my station in life (or lack thereof). There's some other things going on, but I'm withholding those for the time being.

Most of the time, I'm perfectly content to have the small circle of friends that I have right now. They're all good friends. But right now I feel lonely and depressed. I cringe at even using that last word since it sounds a bit dramatic, but I can't think of a better one at the moment.

I want to connect. I know how but I don't have the means and it's very frustrating. The easy answer would be to find clubs or classes that have things I'm interested in and meet people there. But it doesn't still get what I need. I don't want to be in groups! I don't. I want one-on-one. But I can't get one-on-one unless I'm in a group and I can't do groups because they burn me out, which means that I can't get one-on-one! It's so freaking annoying. It makes me want to tear out my hair and gouge my eyes. Ugh.

I'm well aware that I made my friends by starting out in group social settings. That's not helpful to me. Those friendships were largely incidental. My involvement in things like theatre and film school had to do with me wanting to do those things. I didn't go there with the intention of making friends. I don't really have anything that I want to do that I can't do on my own. The closest I got was auditioning for some acting in the video department at church but that ended up being a bait-and-switch for their Christmas show and I had no desire to be involved. On top of that, the one person that I did meet and socialize with moved on to another church. I know that people can (and probably will) give me suggestions of where to look and I appreciate it, but I can almost guarantee you that I can come up with a reason as to why I'm not interested. It may be that I just want to be miserable. No, that's not right. It's more that I want to be affirmed in my reasoning. I want a solution, but I want a solution that's outside the box. I want something that will actually work and I'm not seeing anything.

I'm tired.

-L. Travis Hoffman
11/7/2018

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