For most of my life, I have had an issue with negative/distorted thinking. Actually, it's safe to say that I've done this for all of my life. Thankfully, I've had therapists who have taught me to identify when my thoughts are distorted. Once I've done that, I make an attempt to change my perception to one that is more open and/or based in reality. Over time, my brain will "reprogram" itself so that the negative perceptions are no longer the default response. This is the overall method and purpose of cognitive behavioral therapy.
My struggles have always related to insecurities about my appearance and how my personality is received. The majority of my life I have lived under the belief and perception that I'm a vacuum of sex appeal and charisma. Obviously, this is not a realistic perspective of myself. I've received compliments on numerous occasions from old ladies and women that I have zero interest in. I'm joking... but I'm not joking. That particular remark has its own set of distortions to recognize. I count at least four. Again, it's obviously not a realistic perspective. I've had two long-term relationships with fairly attractive women. One would likely rate a seven and the other could be anywhere between an eight and a ten. I can't complain too much. The point of the joke is to express my overall disappointment in the results of my pursuit of romantic relationships.
The past advice that was given out was always something about thinking positive or being confident. Said advice was vague and never struck me as particularly useful. I had no reason to believe that somehow, deep down, I was actually a really hot guy. That sounded absolutely ridiculous. I cringed when I just had to type it out. There was no evidence to convince me that I should believe this. So if I couldn't convince myself then how I was expected to convince anyone else? Sure, you can pretend for a little while and you might even con a few people in the process. But that's not something you can do forever. With this understanding, I finally gave up on this method.
What I tried next was what worked. It was very, very simple... Accept that I'm not that great looking. At first, that sounds like an insane tactic to use. I will explain. For whatever reason that I cannot possibly fathom, beautiful people are attracted to what will charitably be described as their opposite. This isn't a rare thing, either. Think about it. There are a lot of celebrities that are married or involved with total mutants. Heck, I can remember people in high school that were dating way out of their league. So I thought to myself, "I can be that mistake!" I stopped beating myself up about how I looked and embraced the ugly. A couple of months later, I ended up with the girl I was pining after for over two years. Confidence can suck it. Self-awareness is much more valuable.
But I can't end it with that. There's more to change with my thinking and I'm only just starting to come around to this. It's true that self-awareness is much more valuable than confidence. So is silence. I may have stopped beating myself up about how I looked, but I didn't stop drawing attention to my flaws. See, I'm known for my self-deprecating humor. Anyone with a brain in their head can recognize that for it is. A coping mechanism. It's especially common among us neurotic introverts. Whenever I talk about how I rate as a four and that my quirkiness is a girl-repellent, I've beaten them to the punch. There's no need for them to say it to me and I've spared myself the hurtful words. I've also chosen to make their mind up for them.
Two things came to mind recently that made me re-evaluate my approach to all this. I was listening to a podcast or something on youtube and this particular individual was sharing advice given to him by his parents. I don't remember the words verbatim, but he said, "Don't deny other people the privilege of bragging about you." The idea being that one should let their reputation precede them. This then led to an old saying I heard many years back, "Better to remain silent and thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt." Sometimes it's better to just smile and be lovable.
I freely admit that vocalizing my opinions on myself in this blog entry is doing exactly what I just said not to do. But I know there are people out there that have the exact same insecurities and I want to share this in the hope that it might inspire them. Mental illness is rough. It's tiring and demoralizing. If this can alleviate those agonies, then I'm happy to do so.
-L. Travis Hoffman
3/20/2018
Comments
Post a Comment